Screw Up

I'm the girl who was stupidly seduced, the one who took the pills, the one who hurt people so that they couldn't hurt me first, and the one who sat back and watched as one of her best friends tried to kill herself... I am such a screw up

Do You Know What Its Like?

Do you know what its like to hear your heart beating in your chest and want to rip it out?
To have to feel your pulse just to make sure you're still alive?
To cry yourself to sleep not just one night, but every night?
To see people smiling and get mad at them for being happy?
To have to fake happiness every day of your life?
To listen to others talk about how great life is and just want to tell them that its not great?
To get mad and want to hurt everyone and everything?
To look at two people hugging and wish that you were hugged sometimes too?
To push everyone away just to see if they care enough to stick around?
To never make a wish because you know it won't come true?
To believe that the only way to be happy is to leave everyone you know and love behind?
To give others what they want so that they will make you feel okay?
To trust no one?
To lie to everyone?
To wish that you could just tell everyone the truth?
To shake, not because your cold, but because you are trying so hard not to cry?
To never actually see the beautiful things in life?
To love someone who will never love you back?
To not know where home is?
To hope that you will feel loved and safe somewhere in the world?
To spend hours on end with an open pill bottle in your hand wondering if you can leave yet?
To know that your life has no purpose?
To disappoint everyone you know, even God?
To understand that you will never be good enough?
To actually want to hurt the people that you love?
To have a family that barely notices you unless you are doing something for them?
To not be loved?
To be alone all the time?
To be scared of everything, even yourself?
To be in someone's arms and realize that they don't love you?
To never understand what it feels like to be held by someone who loves you?
To spend every minute of every day longing to do one thing?

Do you know what its like to want to die?

To A Friend

If I leave, you won't have to worry about me.
You will have time to talk to more people and do more things.
You will never have to waste your time talking to me again.
I will finally be happy.
I won't have to fight with people.
We won't get mad at each other.
I won't disappoint you.
You can and will forget about me.
I won't bother you.
You won't have a terrible friend anymore.
I am not special, so you can go spend your time with special people.
I will finally be out of your way.
I won't be able to hurt myself anymore.
You won't have to listen to me rant.
You won't have to deal with all my issues.
You won't hurt my feelings ever again.
I won't have to worry about breathing.
I will never be alone.
I will be with God.
You can help others get through life.
I'm already losing you as a friend.

The list goes on and on, but what matters is that if i leave, I will be happy, and eventually, you will be too.