Screw Up

I'm the girl who was stupidly seduced, the one who took the pills, the one who hurt people so that they couldn't hurt me first, and the one who sat back and watched as one of her best friends tried to kill herself... I am such a screw up

Do You Know What Its Like?

Do you know what its like to hear your heart beating in your chest and want to rip it out?
To have to feel your pulse just to make sure you're still alive?
To cry yourself to sleep not just one night, but every night?
To see people smiling and get mad at them for being happy?
To have to fake happiness every day of your life?
To listen to others talk about how great life is and just want to tell them that its not great?
To get mad and want to hurt everyone and everything?
To look at two people hugging and wish that you were hugged sometimes too?
To push everyone away just to see if they care enough to stick around?
To never make a wish because you know it won't come true?
To believe that the only way to be happy is to leave everyone you know and love behind?
To give others what they want so that they will make you feel okay?
To trust no one?
To lie to everyone?
To wish that you could just tell everyone the truth?
To shake, not because your cold, but because you are trying so hard not to cry?
To never actually see the beautiful things in life?
To love someone who will never love you back?
To not know where home is?
To hope that you will feel loved and safe somewhere in the world?
To spend hours on end with an open pill bottle in your hand wondering if you can leave yet?
To know that your life has no purpose?
To disappoint everyone you know, even God?
To understand that you will never be good enough?
To actually want to hurt the people that you love?
To have a family that barely notices you unless you are doing something for them?
To not be loved?
To be alone all the time?
To be scared of everything, even yourself?
To be in someone's arms and realize that they don't love you?
To never understand what it feels like to be held by someone who loves you?
To spend every minute of every day longing to do one thing?

Do you know what its like to want to die?

To A Friend

If I leave, you won't have to worry about me.
You will have time to talk to more people and do more things.
You will never have to waste your time talking to me again.
I will finally be happy.
I won't have to fight with people.
We won't get mad at each other.
I won't disappoint you.
You can and will forget about me.
I won't bother you.
You won't have a terrible friend anymore.
I am not special, so you can go spend your time with special people.
I will finally be out of your way.
I won't be able to hurt myself anymore.
You won't have to listen to me rant.
You won't have to deal with all my issues.
You won't hurt my feelings ever again.
I won't have to worry about breathing.
I will never be alone.
I will be with God.
You can help others get through life.
I'm already losing you as a friend.

The list goes on and on, but what matters is that if i leave, I will be happy, and eventually, you will be too.

Those Nights

Stay up late and we'd talk all night
In the dark room lit by the TV light
Through all the hard times in my life
Those nights kept me alive

We'd listen to the radio play all night
Didn't want to go home to another fight
Through all the hard times in my life
Those nights kept me alive

Memory

Remembering.
Thinking of the past over and over.
Unable to stop reliving it.
Wishing it would all just stop.
Ready to forget it all.

Forgetting.
No idea what happened.
Never able to recall it.
Wishing it would never happen again.
Ready to remember.

Now which one is worse: To remember it all and be remembered, or to forget everything and be forgotten?

The Only Thing Left

Up late.
Laying in bed.
Thinking.
Remembering the past.
Dreading the future.
Just laying there.
Laying and crying.
Until there are no tears left.
And there is only one thing left.
Only me.

Number One Day

Playing.
Unaware of anything around me.
Then I am called downstairs.

Talking.
Told to have a seat on the stairs.
A little suspicious, but still unaware.

Sitting.
Worried about what is going to happen.
Hearing the words, but not quite understanding.

Hearing.
The words keep coming.
No way to make you stop talking now.

Thinking.
The thought of everything ending.
All of it just to much to handle.

Silent.
Waiting for something.
Wishing for the tears to come, though they never do.

Cassie

The question asked in order
To save her life or take it
The answer no to avoid death
The answer yes would make it
Make it

Do you believe in God
Written on the bullet
Say Yes to pull the trigger
Do you believe in God
Written on the bullet
And Cassie pulled the trigger

Someday

Someday it might get better.
I could live a good life.
Never have problems anymore.
Just be happy and in love.
No more pain, no more trouble.
Just pure bliss.
Never wanting to just die.
Not speeding through life.
Happy just to be living.
Maybe I will be.
Someday.

Helpless

Helpless.
Nothing I can do.
I have to just sit through it.
Because I have lost control.
I can't change anything.
If I could, I would take it all back.
But I can't so I am stuck like this.
Left exposed.
Paralyzed by fear.
Fear of actually loving.
Head over heals loving someone.
I am powerless against this feeling.
I'm helpless.
Helpless.

Confusion

Confusion.
Thats all love is.

A big mess.
Making life difficult.

It just hurts.
Causes pain.

Most people end up worse off.
With a broken heart even.

But a few lucky ones end up happy.
Their lives end well.

I am not one of those people.
Love doesn't work for me.

It ends badly.
It leaves me in a terrible state.

A state of confusion.

While You Were Sleeping Excerpt

United States of America
Looks like another silent night
As we're sung to sleep by philosophies
That save the trees and kill the children
And while we're lying in the dark
There's a shout heard 'cross the eastern sky
For the Bridegroom has returned
And has carried His bride away in the night

What should I do?

What should I do?

Should I stop?
Or keep on talking?

Should I tell them?
Or just forget about it?

Should I ignore the problem?
Or face it?

Should I talk it out?
Or just ignore my friends?

Should I fight until the end?
Or give up now?

Life is just a bunch of questions.
And all anyone ever asks is,What should I do?

What if...

What if today was the last day?
The end of the world?

Would you panic?
Would you rejoice?

Would you feel like you had made a difference?
Or would you feel like you hadnt done anything?

Would you be the one screaming?
Or would you be silently crying?

Would you be glad to get out of this rotten place?
Or would you wish for more time here in this heaven?

Would you be ready to leave?
Or still mentally here?

Would you leave ahead of the crowd?
Or would you wait at the end?

Would you be ready or not?
Would you?

Unknown

Unknown.
That is what everything is.

Completely unknown.
No idea what to do.
No idea what to say.
Everything is wrong.

Everyone is mad.
The world is unhappy.
All because I tried and was wrong.
Again.

I am going to stop interfering.
Get out of the way.
Just leave.
And stop causing problems.

Stuck

Stuck.
Stuck in a rut.
Never really moving.
Always doing the same stuff.

Left.
Left behind to fend for myself.
No one else.
All alone here.

Tough.
Toughing it out on my own.
Only one person.
Surviving the storm of life.

Unchanging.
Unchanging in my ways.
Never really learning anything.
Just doing the easy things.

Crammed.
Crammed into an empty space.
Squished by air.
Squashed by nobody.

Remember.
Remembering the good.
Thinking of the friends.
Lots of friends that I used to have.

Killed.
Killed by no one.
Stuck living forever.
Forever alone in a world of emptiness.

Snow

Everywhere.
On everyone.
Cold.
Wet.
Like a giant blanket that tucks in the world at night.
Both an enemy and a friend.
Catch it on ur tongue.
Throw it at others.
Do what u want.
It doesnt care.
It will stay there.
Until it gets warmer.
Then it will leave.
Just as swiftly as it came.
Just dissapear.
But it will come again.
Next year.
When it gets cold again.
You can count on it.
Like a good friend.
It will always be there.
Ready to cover u again.
Always there to be another home.
A safe place.
An escape from the real world.
To a world of white.
White everywhere on everything.
Just white.

Run

Run.
That is all she can do anymore.
She cant think.
She cant talk.
Only run.

Run from people.
Run towards people.
Just keep running.
When she runs it doesnt matter.
Nothing matters.

Everyone else is dissapearing.
No more thoughts except for one.
Run.
Run.
Then it all comes back.

She stopped and now they are back.
All the thoughts.
All the memories.
All her problems.

They arent just her own memories.
They are all the memories of her family.
Both the bad and the ugly.
There is no good anymore.

The only thing close to good is running.
Run.
Thats what she has to do.
Run from her thoughts.

Run from everything.
If she runs far enough then she will be safe.
Until she gets there she must keep running.
Through all the pain and the problems.

Run.

Ready

I'm ready now.
Ready to leave.
All packed.
Ready to hit the road.

I cant wait.
Cant wait to leave.
Leave the problems.
Leave the troubles.

A little bit of me doesnt want to leave.
Wants to keep the friends.
Not lose anything.
But the rest knows the truth.

It knows that it wont last forever.
It knows that we will fight.
It knows i will live, but it wont be fun.
It has to leave.

I'm getting out.
Out into the real world.
I'm going now.
I'm finally ready.

Goodbye.

One Survivor in this world

She must stay here.
They might come back for her.
But until then she must wait.
Eternally in pain.
Eternally alone.

She sees a light.
Could it be someone?
Someone here to save her?
Someone to take away this misery?
Someone to shatter the silence?

But it is just a lighthouse.
She still finds hope from it.
If the light can make it through this.
This storm called life.
Then she can make it too.

She may not enjoy it.
But she will live life until it ends.
She will stay here.
Whether she is alone or with others.
She will still be here until her death.

Cursed forever to stay.
She will find a way to make it exciting.
Make it more enjoyable then it is.
She will fight this storm.
With everything she has in her.

She may be alone in this fight.
There may be no one left to help her.
No one to listen to her cries for help.
No one to dry her tears.

But she would be the one survivor.
The one human left.
The only one in the world.
Just like the lighthouse.
She would help guide anything.
Any animal, plant, or unknown thing.

She would be their lighthouse.
Their final hope in this world.
Their last thought before they died.
Their savior and their hero.

She would be the one.